I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
