Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
