I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
