Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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