So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
