I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
