Well apparently he's into motor boating.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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