One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
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