my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosť, bitch!
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.