I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
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yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?