Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
