I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT