i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You have to summon your inner elephant
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.