I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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