I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
