oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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