Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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