also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
