Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
