Acid is not a monday night drug
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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