I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
