1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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