I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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