i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
