There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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