I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
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