singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
