I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
