who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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