first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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