chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
