well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
