The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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