i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
