hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
