I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
