You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
