and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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