someone get that fucking seahorse.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
farters have to be the big spoon...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
