i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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