I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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