I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
