let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
