Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
