Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
