margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
