apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
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