I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
