Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
