I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
