The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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