he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
