you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
