I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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