my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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