i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
you didnt know i had herpes?
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
