Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I want a musical about memes.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
