White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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