why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
