my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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