dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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