I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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