I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
