My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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