The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
So here I am, sexting at work.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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