Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
