My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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